growing up i always had an intense daydream of running away. to go away and never return. i always desired to be like a ghost. where i could disappear at will and return as i pleased. i always wanted to escape from my life and the people in it, to be truly alone and at peace. i still experience a strong will to disappear, and to go essentially ghost to everyone i am friends with and that i know. my biggest wish right now is to hide away and never see anyone i know again. i can only skeptisize the reason why i feel this way. i know why i felt such a way growing up, because i was not well percieved by others and i did not feel valued in the friendships i had. existence and socializing always was surface level, and i never truly had a deep connection with anyone except in online friendships. real life was never appealing. still, even now, as a junior in high school, i still feel a deep calling to hide away, and for reasons unknown. i am semi-popular at school, i have a good reputation. i am not percieved as strange or offputting as i was in middle school when i was at the peak of my hunger for self-isolation. people seem to like me.
i think despite the fact that i have shaken off the "weird kid" label i once bore, i still deeply crave an understanding from others. i feel like i was born curious, with a visceral itch to know and learn everything i can about how others operate and exist in the world around them. i crave to understand everything and everyone around me, because i wasn't born with the inherint ability to feel empathy. every day of my life i spend seeking knowledge about others, and working to be a considerate, good person. very few of my real-life friends will ever know having to work to feel compassionate for others, they will never understand how the guilt from screwing up even in the slightest haunts me even years after.
i wish someone would understand what it's like, how tired i feel everyday and how truly miserable it feels to hurt somebody. nobody likes hurting another persons feelings, especially not if it's your friend, but the guilt that follows me every day and how unrealistically depressed i get when i mess up is nothing any of my friends could possibly understand. when you try so hard at something your whole life, when it's something normal people excel at, it ruins your life when you make a mistake. not only do i feel guilty for hurting someone, i also hate and feel bad for myself.
that is why i think i'm feeling this way again, after so long. i feel like no one in my life craves the same understanding of me that i desperately seek for everybody else. it really makes me want to go away. it sounds really angsty teen of me to say "nobody understands me" doesn't it? hehehe. but anyway, all i want right now is like... to throw my phone in a river and cease to exist for a couple weeks. i would never do it... only because it's not possible (╯︵╰,). i would rather fantasize ab LITERALLY DISAPPEARING over communicating and telling my friends how i feel...
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